death

Its a strange fact... that though we face death everyday, yet when it strikes home to those close and dear to us... we still feel angry, shocked, surprised and saddened...
Almost as if the fragility and brevity of life were something that ought not to be, as if somewhere deep inside, something tells us that this is not the way it should be, that life should somehow be eternal and not just temporary...
maybe that actually is what life is, "somewhere over the rainbow"... where life is eternal and we find out actually how temporal all we work for and live for is on this side of life...

I still wish I could turn back time so that we could have that one last futsal game...

This post is dedicated to Dr Azri Dollah.
Dearly missed friend and fellow doctor.

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thinking about medicine

yeah.. thinking about medicine...

2 things i don't do much nowadays.. think... and about medicine...

since i became a robot that functions to pick up the phone and poke people with needles..

i thought it'd be nice if MOs and specialists didn't just give orders but worked together with housemen to carry out the orders... after all medicine is handed down not just by books and knowledge, but also by apprenticeship and "showing"

i thought that when i become an MO or if i become a specialist and IF i do work in a tertiary hospital... i'd MAYBE like to continue taking bloods, doing procedures, referring cases, doing work TOGETHER with HOs to show them how to do things, learn from each other... i just thought it'd be really cool if i had an MO or specialist who did things like that... i asked myself what really is the practice of medicine about? is it in.. cutting up people, or their hands or legs, or writing on pieces of papers asking people to do this and to do that.. i don't think i just want to do that for the rest of my life... i think, the practice of medicine is in talking to people, finding out what's wrong with them (which physicians do well) and treating them (which surgeons do well).. which i think, also involves the many small little procedures that are also part of the diagnosing and treating process... like blood taking, running the bloods, referring the cases, putting in the catheters and other stuff... (which housemen do, sometimes well and sometimes not so well)

but i suppose this runs true probably in a tertiary hospital.. an environment and a system which i believe isn't really all that great to deliver health care in quality, but only in quantity... i suppose we work with what we can... but i also guess that's why i probably won't want to work in a tertiary hospital for the rest of my life...

and why my ideal dream of practicing medicine is to be a GP... maybe doing house-calls, doing locum prn... and spending most of my time... lepak-ing and getting to know people...

but.. like i said in the beginning..

i haven't been thinking much.. so, this may not make much sense...

and.. i don't do much medicine... which doubles the likelihood of this not making any sense...

gym

I'm posting from my phone:-)
This makes blogging so much more convenient ...
But I guess the problem with blogging is that its like going to the gym... sometimes its not that tiu don't have time to do it... you just rather do something else.. hahaha...

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here.. and there

people often ask me why i'm here... in kch that is.. why i chose to come here...

i have several standard, off-the-mind, don't-wanna-answer-this-now, don't-know-you-that-well answers... oh.. of course, if i've given u the to-be-mentioned answers before, it doesn't mean i don't like u or don't know u that well... just that maybe one of the earlier mentioned reasons applied

A) training here is good- well, honestly... i didn't really know it at that time... i thought training in cardiology would be good, but still have yet to do medical yet so i don't know it yet and somewhere along the line, i think i've discovered i'm not really the medical type.. but i've discovered that surgical based training here is way better than in semenanjung la..

B) to explore/adventure/no committments in kl- well that still holds true somewhat... but working here has turned out to be a whole different "adventure" than from what i imagined... but i still love waking up and driving to the hospital with a view of Mt. Santubong and a clear blue sky to look at without any ugly buildings in view..

C)money- err... yeah, better pay i suppose.. but still not worth the hardship i think

D) any other answers... i probably really didn't want to talk about it at that time/ i don't know ur name at all...

but well the truth is... the primary motivating factor for me to choose Kch (second choice actually i think, if my poor memory is right.. first was QE) was because i felt called by God to come here...

i suppose even now, to a certain extent i feel i was called into this profession to serve poor ppl without better access to health services... i.e- OA in the deep jungles of borneo... and through that spread the gospel... and well.. perhaps eventually become a missionary dr or sth to that effect...

points FOR include... i don't mind roughing it out... and... minimal pay doesn't really bother me either...

well.. its been a year.. i suppose deep down somewhere i still think about it... but i suppose the daily grind and my deep underlying suspicion that perhaps i'm not made out to do this job has made me think often of going back to kl... either continuing as a chronic MO in some govt polyclinic or doing family medicine and also working in a polyclinic (and then i'd be able to live at HOME and come back to canaan) or maybe.. take a second degree? and do something else for a living- computer technician, sell handphone, mcD/burger king... become a pastor... which looks rather attractive because i get to be with the people i like to be with, and be with my family, and work isn't too stressful... or become a teacher.. which me and my batchmates some agree that is a much better job than being a dr.. what with school holidays and all...

so yeah.. i still believe i was called here by God...and it has really been an eye opening experience and a form of training for me to really question and strengthen my faith and to give me a purpose in life...

but to what end...

i'm still not so sure.. still cloudy from where i'm standing here... having the end of housemanship looming up soon doesn't really help me on this actually.. i have like, what.. 9 months? but being me.. oh well... see how la...

ISTP

well.. i learned something new today...

daniel asked me to fill in this questionnaire, which i duly did... and it returned this result...

Introverted Sensing Thinking Percieving

I am.. 89% introverted

38% sensing

a whopping 01% thinking

and 44% percieving..

well.. says alot about my IQ... hahaha

but i found the descriptions interestingly rather descriptive of myself..

"...people who love action, and who know instinctively that their activities are more enjoyable, and more effective, if done impulsively, spontaneously, subject to no schedules or standards but their own. In a sense, Crafters do not work with their tools, but play with them when the urge strikes them..."

"...they can be fiercely insubordinate to those in authority, seeing rules and regulations as unnecessarily confining. Crafters will not usually go against regulations openly, but will simply ignore them..."

sounds like fun things i do to myself.. hehe...

and interestingly.. or not surprisingly actually.. career suggestions for myself did NOT include the medical line or anything scientific... but fun stuff that i might actually consider...

-Computer and Office Machine Repair

-Electronics Technician

-Engineering

-Mechanics/Automotive Repair

haha.. who knows

CNY frenzy

i started this post wanting to rant about how i might not be able to get leave to come back for CNY, not because we're busy.. but because boss says so...

but i think maybe i won't..

it's weird, but maybe this happens just in SGH... but i wonder if this happens in semenanjung...

there's just so many chinese here that they try to limit the number of chinese taking leave during CNY... so today actually i wondered how non-chinese felt during CNY... taken for granted that they HAVE to work to make up for the mass migration back to west malaysia? grateful that there's not so much of a big deal during Thaipusam, Deepavali or Raya? just another day at work?

i've also been wondering how mixed-cin-dian or or ci-layu guys feel...

well.. that took up actually 5 minutes of my thoughts in real life, cos' i was KO-ed post call...

one more time

well... it's been quite a while...

a really long while actually...

but i've decided to try blogging again on the advice of a good friend...

things change i guess... i'm not longer the person that first started this blog with mei...

and i'm not even the person that decided to stop blogging...

but i guess this is an exercise in staying true to myself.. and learning how to be honest with myself once more...

well... we'll see how this turns out.. and how long this lasts... heh, a good test would be that i'm on call tomorrow... we'll see if anything comes out of this...