just to be

the past few weeks have been kinda weird for me actually...
besides the fact that i'm really free...
some things have actually been bothering me...
ever since last month when i was absent from church for almost a month due to holidays and seremban stuff, i've been wondering what it would be like to live life as a non christian... the idea seems appealing honestly...
cos' among others... i wouldn't have to concern myself with the problems of the church, i wouldn't have to behave in a way as to please other ppl, wouldn't have to care about wat other ppl do, wouldn't have to wake up early on sunday morning...
i'm kind of a easy going guy... i really hate responsibility, and throughout the years when i was president of TU, there were good times, bad times, lonely times... but i always knew one thing..
it was always like wearing a shirt that doesn't quite fit... like doing a job you're not good at doing... cos' the burden of responsibility really weighs heavily on my mind...
so the past month when i was able to "let it all go".. it was really, a relief... i almost swear that i woke up smiling on that first sunday morning away from church...

since then, i've really been considering living life "away" from church...i've been in a way considering "backsliding"... in a way.. it wasn't helped that the first sunday i got back, i was asked to 1. teach in sunday school the following ; 2. play for worship 2 weeks from then ; 3. prepare a coming TU program... heh, so much for church not just being about serving...

well.. to a cut a long post short...
i think i finally found my answers...
i've not decided to fall out of church... in fact i'm think i'm gonna stay on and serve in what ever way i can...
i can't remember what it was that triggered it actually... but as i struggled with this question... i think i realized that we serve not out of duty or obligation... but out of gratitude...
gratitude... my cross may seem heavy to me... but i bear it all the same because of He who bore His before me...
we are called first and foremost, just to BE christian by recieving from God... it is when we realize how much we have recieved that then we tell others how much we have recieved, and we then serve the people around us in whatever way we can because Jesus Himself humbled himself to serve us first...
but i suppose what we always forget when we lose sight of the prize ahead is that we are called first and foremost just to be... just to sit at his feet to recieve from Him first...